Talkin' Sneezin' Pizza Blues

Album: Googolplex & Other Numbers


Well, the cold season is upon us, friends May your colds be short and few But if you have to sneeze, please cover your mouth It's the civilized thing to do And not only is it proper manners It's a first-rate safety rule Here's a story how an uncovered sneeze destroyed Pine Bend Elementary School Well, I didn't really mean to do it It's kinda embarassing to relate But I sat at lunch and I sneezed my pizza right off of the plate

It landed there on the lunchroom floor About six feet from the table I jumped up and tried to fetch it on back, but I really wasn't able 'Cause Mr. Hardenstone the principal At that moment came walkin' by Carryin' a big glass terrarium and starin' up at the sky Well he stepped right on my pizza Which just happened to be lyin' there It must have been mighty greasy cuz he took clean to the air

The next thing I remembered was a big crash then a BOOM And splinters of that terrarium bounced and flew all around the room Now, the whole thing might have ended there And the same with this little song If the terrarium hadn't contained a snake Nine feet eight inches long He really was a gentle-natured snake As boa constrictors go He belonged to Mrs. Hornby in 218 and us kids all called him Joe Then the snake crawled into the kitchen Where all the cooks were busy cookin' Mr. Hardenstone was still sprawled on the floor so he sure wasn't lookin' Then there came a scream which shattered windows fourteen blocks away And the cooks came bustin' through the kitchen door in various shades of gray

What followed was mass confusion in the Pine Bend lunchroom, friends I wish I could say that that was the worst But it's not there the story ends Some kid said, "A main transformer blew!" And our teacher yelled, "Hit the floor!!" Then someone shouted, "It’s an alien attack! An intergalactic war!" And with the cooks not minding the ovens All the pizza began to burn With black smoke pourin' down all the halls It made it mighty hard to learn

Then the fire alarms began to ring The sound nearly split my ear Mr. Hardenstone came on the intercom "Everybody clear outta here!" So we gathered out on the playground While the fire department came They smashed all the windows and battered in the doors battling back the flames They pumped our school so full of water I think a dolphin would have felt at home It looked like a cake all frosted up in that flame retardant foam

Well, Pine Bend Elementary School Was never really quite the same Though Mr. Hardenstone later admitted I wasn't all that much to blame But when the school reopened there were big red signs In the east wing, north, and south And they read "If you have sneeze, okay, but PLEASE COVER YOUR MOUTH!" So the next time you feel a sneeze comin' on Just remember that simple rule And think about the boy and the sneeze that destroyed Pine Bend Elementary School!


by Jack Pearson © 1987 Jack Pearson, OtterTunity Inc. - BMI